Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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