piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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