So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
