Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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