dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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