wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
