Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
