I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
