Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
