The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
