Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
