How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
