Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
