Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
