I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
