i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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