someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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