Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
