I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
