Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
