Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
