I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize