Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
