tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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