I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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