dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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