K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
