I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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