FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
