Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
