I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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