kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
