i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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