Will you blow on my dice?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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