one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
