i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize