I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
