If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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