don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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