you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
