Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
