I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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