I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
