My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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