Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
