i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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