I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
