didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
