Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize