I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
