She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
