Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
