I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
