Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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