i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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