Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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