Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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