The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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